I spent the first half of fall semester desperately trying to figure out what it was I was supposed to be doing because I knew there was something missing - I finally figured it out and turned in my mission papers.
But ever since I got my call, I have had to worry about what I will do after my mission.
Here is a secret. In my papers, I BEGGED to leave at the beginning of May, directly after finals. I wrote about how badly I needed to be back in time to be ready for student teaching.
When I got my call, I was happy beyond belief. But that big JUNE 19TH did put a damper on things.
It means that I have to have everything for my student teaching all set before I leave and that I will be immediately thrown into teaching 5 periods a day, for the first time, when I get back.
My program asked me to decide as soon as possible where I wanted to student teach TWO YEARS FROM NOW.
Before I decided to go on a mission, I had big dreams of student teaching abroad, or at least out of the state. Now, the reality is that I will be coming home to absolutely no money, no job, possibly no car.....and definitely not enough time to leave the country again by the time spring semester begins.
Another secret: I worry about this every day.
Every day I worry about what my life is going to be like when I come home. So this morning I thought, what am I REALLY worried about? I am worried that I'm going to be horrifically poor, that I'm going to have to spend another winter in Cache Valley, that I'm possibly going to end up living at my parent's house while I student teach. I wanted to do my student teaching somewhere "cool" and now that probably won't happen.
But what am I REALLY worried about?
That my life isn't going to turn out the way I dreamed it would.
I'm worried that I have suddenly veered so far from my original plan that I have no hope of living all of my dreams. And that is ridiculous.
Let's think about this. In high school, what did I want? What were my dreams?
I knew that I wanted to teach and that I wanted to help people tell their stories. I wanted to travel. I wanted to do humanitarian work. I wanted to feel like I was contributing meaningful service.
So here's the thing...I am already living all of my dreams.
For three years, I have been blessed with a job where I get paid to talk about writing. Over and over again I have been giving opportunities to teach - through multiple jobs, at church, while traveling, and in my classes.
I traveled to the area of the world I always wanted to travel to, and the projects I did there fit my talents and personality better than any projects I could have planned on my own.
Every week, I am volunteering with service-learning scholars, the STAR tutoring program, Storytellers, Friends of the Elderly, SAAVI and Alternative Breaks. I've spent my college years exactly the way I wanted to.
I've gotten to go on so many trips with friends and family, and I will be going on a service trip to Hawaii in just a couple of weeks.
I've lived with different roommates every year and have learned different things from each one. I love the people I live with and I love where we live. I live in a lovely college town where there is always something fun going on.
My sisters are my best friends, I have a mom who laughs instead of panicking when I tell her that I literally only have two hundred dollars left, and a dad who will do anything to support my dreams.
My life HAS turned out the way I wanted it to...and there's still a lot left of it. My mission DOES fit into my life dreams, I just didn't know that's how my dreams would be realized. And....
The decision I have mostly come to is that it makes the most sense to student teach right here in Logan. That is hard for me to admit, but that is what feels right as of now.
Bottom line: every day I have to remind myself that everything is going to work out, but it will!
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