If you start singing Called to Serve I will probably murder you.

So........it turns out I'm going on a mission.

I was just as shocked as everyone else.

I've never wanted to go on a mission, ever, in my entire life. Not even when I was in primary. Not even a couple of weeks ago. I literally told everyone, "I would hate it." I knew I would hate getting up early, hate not being able to listen to music or read, hate not seeing my sisters, hate following all the rules, hate knocking on doors...all of it.

My life has changed a lot during the past two years. More than I ever could have anticipated. When I think about the person I was when I was 18 or 19 I don't even recognize myself.

But I still was not expecting to ever go on a mission. I knew I would have younger sisters go, and I was excited for them but thought, "It's not for me." I had other things I wanted to do. Like always, I had my own plans.

The rest of this post is going to be pretty personal, but I want my loved ones to know that I take this decision very seriously. I know that it's a big commitment and a major life change.

This whole semester, I have felt like there was somewhere else I was supposed to be, something else I was supposed to be doing. I kept telling myself that it just meant that I wanted to go travel and volunteer again. Almost every day I would think about where I wanted to travel next and I would plan imaginary trips to try to get my mind off the nagging feeling that I wasn't in the right place.

Usually, when I think of a good idea, I just do it. If I have an opportunity to do something that will help me grow, something adventurous, I just go for it. I don't waste time wondering if it's the "right" thing. That's why this semester has been so weird. I had about 17 really good ideas for what I wanted to do in May, but none of them fit. None of them were right. I was getting so frustrated and I didn't even know why I was so stressed about it.

I decided that I wanted to do student teaching abroad. I still wasn't feeling great about it, but I knew I would love it, so I made an appointment with the woman in charge of the program and told her that  I wanted to go to New Zealand. She told me that they only send students to New Zealand every other spring, so I would have to wait two years unless I could somehow graduate by January. I left feeling really bummed. As I was walking home, the thought came to me, "Well...perfect, I can go on a mission and then come back and go to New Zealand." I freaked out.

When I got home I called my mom and started sobbing. I told her what happened and she was kind of like, "Okay but why are you crying?"

"I don't know! Nothing's wrong, I don't know why this is happening!"

"This is exactly how I reacted the first time I felt like I should go on a mission - it's okay."

"No, Mom, that's not what's happening! That cannot be it."

My very wise mother told me I needed to let the idea in my heart. She knew that I'd been completely resisting it and that I needed to open up to the idea and just see how I felt about it.

On Sunday I tried to make myself some space to think hard about it and let myself feel what the next step in my life should be. I tried to set aside my own plans and just feel what was right. Nothing huge happened, but I started to WANT to go on a mission, and to hope that that would be the answer. WEIRD. I didn't know what was happening to me, but I let it happen.

On Tuesday, I went to the temple. On the way there I decided to make an appointment with the bishop just to talk about my options. I thought, "Okay, I have to work tomorrow, so if he doesn't have time to meet with me...that's obviously a sign." Turns out the bishop was willing to come in early just to talk to me. As I pulled up to the temple I thought, "Okay, if they give me a hard time about not having an appointment or something, that's obviously a sign." The man at the front desk was overly nice to me, nicer than anyone at the Logan temple has ever been to me.

I sat and stared at people getting baptized for about twenty minutes, still trying to fight the whole thing. But when I finally opened my heart it was made very obvious that I needed to go on a mission. I left the temple and drove to Hyrum by myself, and finally felt calm and like I was headed in the right direction.

When I met with the bishop the next day, I was a little nervous because I didn't want him to see me as just one more girl rushing into a mission; I wanted him to let me know that I'd made the right decision. He did! Every single thing I was worried about...the bishop said something that addressed that worry, without me bringing them up at all. I felt so blessed that he could be my bishop during this time. I started my papers right then! As soon as he said, "We don't have to do this right now. This is 100% your choice," I knew that I was ready to make the choice to go. Once he gave me the option, I was filled with an intense desire to be a missionary, which I assure you I had never felt before.

On my way to work, I called my mom and told her, "Mom, I'm going on a mission." She was a bit surprised, since I had talked to her that morning and told her I still wasn't sure. I started filling out my papers while I was at work because suddenly I was just SO excited. I also made a list that was literally called, "People I want to tell."

If you were one of the 17 non-family members on that list, thank you. Every single person I told was so supportive and so happy for me. I felt so overwhelmed with love and encouragement.
 

Today I was thinking about how blessed I was to be able to share my news with people I met during so many different phases of my life. I met the 17 people on my list everywhere from elementary school, junior high, high school, every year of college, my time in Samoa, and this semester. I have grown and changed so much during each of these phases, and now I get to move on to a completely new chapter.

On Monday morning I met with my adviser to work out a new plan for graduation. She told me she didn't know of any other secondary ed. majors who chose to leave right before student teaching. She wasn't sure what to do at first, but we worked out a plan and she told me she'd have things ready for me when I returned. That was such a blessing. This whole semester nothing else has worked so smoothly.

I know there are some things I'm sure I won't like about being a missionary. Like getting up early. And singing Called to Serve. But overall, I am so happy.

People (myself included) are always telling return missionaries, "Now it's time to adjust back to REAL LIFE." But I realized over the summer that when we are devoting ourselves fully to serving others...that's who we really are. That IS real life to me.

I have been so blessed with this one wild and precious life, and I'm glad that it's taken unexpected twists and turns.