Boys Have Feelings Too:

And 10 Other Things I Learned

 From My Failing Student

 

 On my last day of student teaching, I spent the afternoon playing card games with the "worst" students in the school. The kids who spent more time in the principal's office throughout the year than they spent in study hall.  We had bonded and I was going to miss them. They taught me their favorite card games and then they helped me pack up my stuff and load it into my car. When it was time to say goodbye, the "worst" of them all looked up at me and said, "Thank you, Miss Webb. For, you know. Everything." I drove away with silent tears on my cheeks, sad that I had to leave them, and happy because I knew I would help lots of other students like them. In the box on my passenger seat, I had a memory book full of kind words the students had made for me. One student had written, "Miss Webb was so nice. There was never a day when she was not nice." I carried those words in my heart like a badge of honor. I was NEVER not nice. Surely, my next set of students would love me just as much...

Fast forward 8 months. 

"If you don't want to be here, then get out. Go out into the hallway and I will come deal with you when I can," I found myself saying to my "worst" student in front of the entire class on one of his worst days. I wasn't yelling, but I definitely was not being nice, and I felt my face getting hot with anger. I had never been so upset with a child. Ricardo* and I had not bonded. We were enemies.

On my walk home I thought, "How did this happen? I have a student who hates me. Why doesn't he like me like my other students do? Why doesn't he respect and appreciate me like they do?" I could list 100 things that Ricardo had done that could make me hate him. But that wouldn't help. When I finally looked carefully at how I was responding to his attitude and behavior, I realized that I had made a lot of mistakes. Here's what I did wrong and what I committed to doing differently when it comes to failing students.

1. They need you to be their mentor, not their friend.

At first, I tried to bond with Ricardo. I love teaching because I love relationships. I love it when my students tell me about their lives and when they want to hang out in my classroom during lunch. I noticed immediately that Ricardo had a horrible attitude about school. My instinct was to be his friend. Like I'd done with lots of other students, I'd kneel down next to his desk and try to talk with him one-on-one. He HATED that. I can see now that Ricardo was actually maturing a bit faster than the other 7th graders. He had already entered the 8th grade phase in which fraternizing with teachers is not cool. The more I tried to bond with Ricardo, the more he withdrew. He simply did not want to be friends with me. He is a 13 year old boy and I am his teacher, so he shouldn't have to be.

2. They don't always mean it when they say "I don't care."

Ricardo quickly learned that the fastest way to get rid of me (and the thing that would irritate me the very most) was to tell me, "I don't care." This was his line when I'd ask him why a big assignment wasn't turned in or when I'd threaten him with some consequence. I wish I'd realized sooner that this was just a defense mechanism. All kids want to be successful, but some don't know how, so they shut down.

3. They need you to be the adult. 

Ricardo's eye rolling, shrugging, and loud complaining eventually got the best of me. So I subconsciously started dishing it back to him. His bad attitude drained me and eventually caused me to have the same bad attitude when talking with him. When he would complain about having to do school work, I would complain to him about his behavior. When he would roll his eyes, I would glare at him. Why should I have to be polite to him if he isn't being polite to me?? Well. BECAUSE I AM THE ADULT IN THE ROOM. I should be modeling the correct way to deal with frustration. I am the one who should have known better, and my bad attitude dug both of us deeper and deeper into a hole. 

4. They need you to remember what it feels like to be their age.

I found myself thinking that surely I NEVER would have behaved like Ricardo when I was in 7th grade. Surely I would have appreciated all of my teachers' hard work in my behalf. But when I really thought about it, I realized I could only remember one thing about my own 7th grade Language Arts teacher. I remembered that at the end of the school year, she wrote personalized poems about every single one of us. And mine was about how I was a good writer, but I was always passing notes during class, something this teacher had never called me out on or gotten me in trouble for. So basically, this was a teacher who was so dedicated that she took the time to write POEMS about all 160 of us, and I was just passing notes in her class for the entire year. I can look back and be understanding of my 7th grade self, but I wasn't giving the same understanding to Ricardo.

5. They need less attention, not more. 

It got to the point where any time I heard any outbursts, I would look in Ricardo's direction. "WHAT?" or "IT WASN'T ME!" he would say in his annoying whine, which would only make me more irritated. But sometimes it really wasn't him. I shouldn't have placed a target on his back and hovered around him, because that only made things worse between us. I should have given him a fresh start every day and assumed the best of him.

6.  No teasing in public.

I like to think that I can quickly determine which students can handle being teased and which can't. Then, a little teasing directed towards the ones who can handle it can bring humor to the classroom, which is so needed. WRONG. I give my students independent reading time for part of class on Fridays. We have pillows in our classroom and students can get comfy to get wherever they like. One Friday, Ricardo was holding a book in his hands, but he kept talking to the people next to him and he hadn't turned any pages. "Ricardo," I said from across the room, "I need you to actually read." "I AM!" he whined defensively. I looked at the book he had chosen. It was one of those tween girl books about being best friends with a horse. I knew that Ricardo had just grabbed any book from the shelf so he could pretend he was reading, so I decided to turn my anger into humor and tease him about it. "THIS? You're reading this? Really?" The whole thing got a lot of laughs from the class, but Ricardo got angry. "Fine! I won't read then!" I will never tease one of my students in front of the class again. Even if the student who is being teased finds the whole thing funny, other students might make a silent mental note: "I cannot fully trust this teacher with my ideas or feelings because she teases kids in front of everyone." Laughs are NOT worth that conclusion.

7. They need immediate feedback when they do well.

I have a system in my classroom called "Brownie Points." When I notice good deeds, I give little paper tickets to students that they can save up and trade in for prizes. Recently, when I came back to school after having a substitute, the girl who sits next to Ricardo came over to my desk and told me, "Guess what, Mrs. Brown! Ricardo actually did his work yesterday." So I walked over to Ricardo and handed him a Brownie Point. I said, "I heard you did really well yesterday. Thank you." He looked at the ticket, then back at me. "What is this? What do I do with it?" Oh no. It was halfway through the school year and I had NEVER recognized anything good about this student? No wonder he hated me! I should have consciously worked to notice what he was doing well in class so that he could've built from there, instead of only noticing his bad attitude.

8. They need you to let go of stereotypes. 

During the first few weeks of school, I tried to give Ricardo the benefit of the doubt. Because of my school's demographics, I thought, maybe Ricardo comes from a rough background. Maybe he hasn't had many opportunities in his life. But then, one morning, I saw his parents drop him off at school in a BENTLEY. Almost all of my students walk to school. I was seething. What is this kid's problem! He has everything! I assumed, then, that he was just spoiled. But when I later met with Ricardo's parents, they were harsh, and frankly, unkind to him. I should not have assumed that just because his parents had money his home life was perfect. All students are carrying different baggage.

9. You need time to reflect and change what isn't working.

I am so glad that I stopped and thought carefully about how I was dealing with Ricardo. I could've spent the whole school year making things worse and worse, but instead I noticed patterns in my own behavior and was able to make changes that improved the atmosphere of my entire classroom.

10.  They are more forgiving than you think.

When I realized that I had spent the entire year being a total jerk to one of my students, I knew what I had to do. Apologize and ask for a fresh start for both of us. I didn't want to admit to him that he had been right about me, but I knew that I had to if I wanted things to change. As my 5th period students poured into class, I stopped Ricardo. "What now??" he whined. I stayed calm this time. "Ricardo, I've been thinking things over and I realized that I haven't been very fair to you. In fact, I've been really mean. I owe you an apology. I am so sorry. Can we start over?" He was surprised. He shrugged. "You haven't been that mean. It's because I'm not a good student."

Then things started to change. We were both free. We stopped waiting for each other to strike. I stopped wasting all of my energy hovering over Ricardo and instead let my classroom management do its job. And then something really weird happened. I started noticing things I liked about Ricardo. I remembered that he was just a kid trying to figure stuff out, and that I have a lot left to figure out too.

*name has been changed